My Lord in Heavens high, I can’t stress enough with my limited vocabulary just how horribly crippling my lack of self-trust has been in life. I doubt myself CONSTANTLY. It has destroyed who I am, destroyed my sense of comfort and safety on this Earth. But you know what, absolutely fuck that. No more. I refuse to continue to abandon myself. I refuse to not trust that I will be there for myself, that I will not cross my own boundaries or let others cross them, that I will be authentic with who I am and what it is I really want. I will no longer run away from myself when I feel shitty. I will no longer try and escape my negative emotions, because escaping them means escaping myself. I will listen to my feelings, good or bad. I will honor them. I will sit with them and love myself unconditionally in the presence of them. I may not trust my ability to be a loyal partner, go to the gym, trust my ability to know I am knowledgeable, sexy, worthy of love, capable of being a spiritual teacher, or good at writing…but I DO:

-trust myself to eat every day when I am hungry

-trust myself to make killer vegan stir fry with loads of Indian spices

-trust myself to shower every night

-trust myself to put perfume and deodorant on every day

-trust myself to brush my teeth every night

-trust myself to floss every night

-trust myself to drink plenty of water throughout the day

-trust myself to get up with my alarm in the mornings

-trust myself to distance myself from toxic people

-trust myself to avoid toxic environments

-trust myself to attend only the things I really want to go to

-trust myself to recycle my water bottles and make sure I take the tops off

-trust myself to wash my hands before eating or preparing any drinks

-trust myself to use the bathroom when I need to

-trust myself to be there for a friend when they really need me

-trust myself to drive to where I need to go safely

-trust myself to strive daily for connection to who I really am, my Highest Self

-trust myself to follow my authenticity and gifts to reveal my mission in this world

-trust myself to strive daily to trust myself.

I will take more risks. I will be excited about the contrast of this physical dimension. As Abraham Hicks puts it, “The purpose of this physical dimension is for identifying and emphasizing more clearly through contrast the objects of your desire to which you can flow your energy.”. It is is GOOD THING it is so painful to fear what it is you really don’t want, because that means you know what you REALLY DO WANT and can make strides to clear your vibration for you to receive what it is you really want. You don’t have to keep telling the Universe what it is you really want. The Universe already knows. You focusing on it when it has barnacles of resistance on it, will only make it harder for you to receive that which you really want. Rather, focus on things that make you feel good and are easy for you to feel good about that may have nothing at all to do with what it is you really want.

For example, for me, I really want a life partner. I want one so badly. The idea of having a buddy, a best friend, a confidant, someone I can fully trust and give unconditional love to, someone I can have an absolute blast with doing nonsense stuff, someone who can give me support, encouragement, who can challenge me, push me, lift me up, someone I can lift up, nurture, love, make love to, care for… it sounds divine. It sounds like bliss. It sounds like everything. But I am having an extremely difficult time attracting him into my experience…

Because of my massive self-doubt and complete lack of self-trust, I developed OCD around the topic of men and sexuality. I am 85% cured of it now, but it rears its head occasionally. This OCD has been an absolute hell on earth for me. Suicide has been contemplated various times. My specific type of OCD is called Homophobic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or HOCD. HOCD is characterized by an incessant fear/worry of turning gay. The fear/worry is so severe that the person ends up seriously questioning their sexuality hundreds of times a day and doing various compulsions to rid oneself of the doubt. The worst part is, even though a person’s entire life has consisted of PURELY heterosexual interactions and not a single thought or doubt about sexual orientation, the obsessive panic and fear still takes over. I would do different compulsive behaviors every minute to “check” my sexuality. For example, I’d look at pictures of hot guys and see if I still got turned on. Every time I saw anything related to homosexuality I would have a panic attack. For example, I was living in Barcelona for a year and on almost every street corner there would be a pride flag. Panic attack. Every time someone made a comment about gay people or gay actions I would have a panic attack. I feared if I sat, dressed, talked, or acted masculine, people would think I was gay. I feared if I got uncomfortable around gay people or while having a conversation related to homosexuals, someone would notice and call me out on my apparent homosexuality. I feared my lovers and friends were going to think I was gay for some reason and ask me out of nowhere if it was true. Every time one of the men I was in a relationship with had a random, serious question to ask me, I would fear it was going to be if I was gay. Every time I heard a song related to homosexual things, I would think it was a sign from the Universe and I would have a panic attack. I remember explaining this all to a therapist one day (the ONLY human on this earth I have ever told), and she told me that I didn’t have OCD. This made me feel crazy. She then asked me, “What if you were actually just turning gay?” and to that I replied, “That’s the thing. I would not mind at all if I was bisexual. I would celebrate it and own it and love it. The problem is that I don’t have any desire to be with a woman but I still feel like somehow in the future I am going to be FORCED to be with one.”.

This HOCD was terrible. It was horrible. It was fucking hell on Earth. To this day I shake and tremble thinking how scared, alone, and desperate I felt every single day for almost two years. I told absolutely nobody. NO ONE. Not a single one of my lovers, friends, or family members know. This is the first time I have ever spoken (written) about it.. Let me explain HOCD a little further…

In HOCD, the person is not actually homosexual because when you are homosexual, the thought of actually being with someone of the opposite sex brings you happiness, not sheer terror. An HOCD sufferer’s fear, rather, is that somehow they are going to be FORCED to be gay, even if they don’t want to be, and they CANNOT avoid this inevitable pain that is being forced upon them. The sad thing is, I have absolutely nothing against gay people or being gay or bisexual. I have had such incredible best friends who are gay. I respect and celebrate the LGBTQ+ community. There is no doubt about that. The DOUBT is that somehow, by someone, I am going to be FORCED to be with a woman and I will have no choice in the matter. This instills a deep horror and panic considering my lifelong desire for a MALE life partner and for sexual relations with men. The HOCD has caused an insane amount of painful, obsessive thoughts and resistant vibrations around the topic of men, homosexuality, sexuality, sex, marriage, boyfriends, girlfriends, relationships, sensuality, and all the like. Just imagine then how cacophonous my vibration must sound when I think about the male life partner I want to manifest. I am so plagued by self-doubt and a complete lack of self-trust when it comes to my life partner and my ability to attract him, want him, have sex with him, etc., that thinking about anything related to him feels scary. It confuses the hell out of me. It makes me feel sad and hopeless. But now I know, thanks to Abraham Hicks’ teachings, that the Universe already knows what it is I really want, even before, during, and after this HOCD struck me. My life partner is already out there and is just waiting for me to receive him. I don’t have to focus on him any longer. I don’t have to sit with the painful thoughts that arise when I try to figure out why he isn’t here yet. I don’t have to focus on figuring out if the HOCD is actually true or why it has bothered me all this time. All I have to do is work on my self-trust. Work on clearing my vibration. Work on focusing on things that make me happy. Work on trusting that God will bring me what it is I really want.

I think it’s worth quickly discussing the roots of my HOCD so I can then explain what I have learned from it. The roots of my HOCD are from:

-the fear of lack of control

-chronic, life-long anxiety

-massive self-doubt all my life

-lack of self-trust because of abandoning myself in times of negative emotion and struggle

-fear of being punished by some judgmental and scary “God”

-fear of not getting what I want because of too much negative karma

-fear of being associated with the homosexual community, since I grew up in a Spanish-Catholic community in which gay people are seen as “sick”

-and most importantly, fear of not being able to receive and manifest what I actually want in life because of the thought that “you can’t always get what you want”.

The key thing I must keep in mind now is that working on self-trust and clearing my vibration will have nothing to do with relationships, my life partner, or sex. It will consist of fostering the trust I have with myself on “silly” things like committing to my intermitting fasting plans, waking up on the first alarm, or going to the gym when I said I would. These things are more than enough to strengthen the vibration of self-trust within me that will naturally grow and grow until it is the size of 50 tsunami waves and no one can stop me. Clearing my vibration will look something like meditating. A lot. Meditating so I clear my mind of thoughts that cloud my vibration and so that I can allow only the voice of my inner being to be the one that guides me. Clearing my vibration will also look like doing things and focusing on things that are easy, fun, and effortless for me to focus on, like writing, listening to Abraham, watching comedy, performing comedy, reading, singing, dancing, researching animals, writing my nightly checks, giving gratitude, going on a walk, playing tennis, reading funny tweets, writing affirmations, eating, and making myself feel beautiful with makeup, dresses, and heels. All these things will help me get more and more in alignment with who I really am and therefore will attract what it is I really want.

HOCD has no doubt been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It has been unexplainably terrifying. But like many things, out of suffering came pure gold. The last thing I would like to share is that gold. The gold nuggets I’ve accrued from the HOCD are…

-enlightenment.

-awakening.

-higher states of consciousness

-reconnection with my divinity

-exploration of my childhood trauma

-slow but sure annihilation of my ego

-powerful knowledge about the workings of the brain

-understanding just how destructive our brains can be when plagued with FEAR

-remembering who I really am

-remembering my soul’s mission

-immense compassion for all souls that are suffering and have suffered

-learning about the laws of the universe

-meeting incredible people and teachers

-remembering that I create my own reality

-knowing that God will never cause you pain

-trusting myself

-trusting that my inner being will never force me into painful situations

-realizing that any thought that is scary or painful is NOT coming from your inner being

-understanding that scary and painful thoughts are from your PAIN BODY

-exploring Buddhism

-reconnecting with my powers and gifts

-embracing my femininity

-embracing my sexual nature

-and realizing how much I care about my life partner.

Suffering really is the portal into higher states of consciousness. Suffering is the portal into Heaven on Earth. I now know that what I went through was planned, necessary, and the best thing to ever happen to me. I intend to never forget that and to help others remember that too.

“For God hath not made us in the spirit of fear, but in the spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.” – 2 Timothy 1:7

All my love,

Lidia Sofia, M.S.